To write for the sake of writing, to paint for the sake of painting, to create for the sake of creating, to do things for fun.
I was let down a little for how that does not suffice to satisfaction. But such a purist idealist should not guilt anyone who simply cares about where their works end and in what way they are experienced. It could be just a matter of different schools of life. It could also be stages of creative process, whereby one lacks validation and in the process of aligning their highest values, which in themselves vary: the highest value could be to spread words to as many, just as it could be to satisfy one’s self only.
The dread when works amounts to the number of viewers statistic. The sense of feeling left out when the works were kept in the dust, never to see the limelight. Both are just.
Perhaps it is good to cultivate whichever is needed to balance out whichever falls short.. and make a truce with the productivity police in mind.
How to navigate being in the creative industry?
There used to be so much drive and optimism in wanting others to see the world the way I do. Now along with self-discovery and found misplaced intentions, I need a lot of re-convincing myself. Add on to that, the installment your past 25-year-old had signed on which requires some degree of stability calculation. That is a convenient excuse I must say. There is always a way to work around it.
There always seemed to be the need to sabotage the self from having the most of it. My excuses varied. I never thought I deserved fun. Completes A first then you can do B. My parents are chill, but I never was. I am trying to pay the debt to the angsty young adult I was, by enjoying little things now.
Anyway, perhaps the issue does not lie in a productive boost. Productivity is just a way, a method, a tool. It’s more the varying reasons behind it, that is more fundamental and affect bottom to top:
- The love of doing it.
- The punishment of the self so that one can feel like he/she matters.
How significantly different the two are. The first one uses body and mind as the servant of whatever it is that they are interested in. The positive outlook perhaps would attract something good in the way. Making it a loop of optimistic energy.
The second stems from rejection and is a response to that. The second is restless like a kid studying day and night to get an A, but never get enough of it. There is a higher chance to resent others who compete better, the tiniest sign of feeling belittled may cause a big blow, and resentment to self and others. By then we are already detached from the subject in the first place.
Other factors line up to make the second reason all the more painful. Mind being not always the kindest, made the murky pathway that creative fields already are, grows its grass higher. The timely renewal energy and faith, to be sober enough every day, are needed to navigate the pathway. To not only be reminded but dig deeper as to why this is worth doing again.
Why is mine worth telling when sometimes what I shout for others to listen, I close my ears for?
If being an artist means being the catalyst for the unknown chaotic wonder, then I simply have to jump deeper to make the topic more naturally compelling. To not make it just a passing statement to shout to others. Thousands of works already speak about it. It’s the attitude of joy in the making while discovering what truly compels the self. My purist artist friend knows better, if it had to be just one exhibition visitor, she would still be joyful about it. It takes a special kind of crazy. Being talented is not enough. It takes truly listening to the self, keep digging while also wandering in the outside, to the point where “outside” does not feel like “outside” again, because it stops to matter as much. That’s how millions of artworks birthed and inspired each other, and they feel safely rest in our psyche, as opposed to the glimmer of the community space where the artists meet up for transactional matters, where things feel threatening and anxiety-inducing. Both are the same coins. Not demonizing any. Socializing is an art in itself.
Maybe you already know about this. Maybe you have embodied this. The one speaking is the one who needs affirming. We have that established. lol.
By the way, for the life of me, shutting down social media is the way. It is the most evil thing that one can do to their brain, especially in the morning. It is a day and night difference, a day without it. It is important to keep on tuning in with this psyche that tries to make sense of things actively. Even if nobody watches it, nobody reads it.. just the act of condensing the thoughts, mapping out the chaos is just a tiny hope I can clutch one day by day.
Here and now. The very present mode of thinking, lying things out there, following track of thoughts until it gives a new bullet point after another. This is the state I was deprived of yesterday, alone in the room, back and forth with my laptop open trying to do something. Perhaps this could be the anchor. The dream of being a prodigy can rest in the back of my childhood dream and teacher’s wishes. Life is hard and those who begin early don’t always end up as expected. Life is that random, self is that random. The room of the unknown is plenty.
Rounds were made, and decisions birthed consequences. I am where I am supposed to be. The ick needs addressing. Old enemies are trying to say hi. One needs to be familiar with such a state and know what to do with it.
People who have seen me paint, ask “Why don’t you paint again?”. People who have read my writing asked, “Why don’t you write more?” and so is with video art. But I am stuck in between, where I also don’t fully know what I genuinely care about. But maybe I am being too hard on the genuine standard here. Are people punishable just for having some degree of impurity? No, no, ideally your opinions don’t matter. Let’s just wait for being artistically mudblood to stop stinking too much for my nose. We are still thriving animals in need of surviving, if lucky, by doing what we sort of like.
The good side is, that I am currently surrounded by people who are somewhat similar to me. They are amazing. The bad side is, that they are amazing. The classic battle in mind. But the good side about it is stronger.
People still struggling to make a living. If I am one among a few with enough balls to take a lonelier path, shouldn’t I be doing what it takes to make it work? By “Whatever” it takes, means, personally prescribed medicine for each of its diagnosis holders. It might also include taking a break and stepping back if one is lucky enough to apply that. This writing kickstarts something rather tangible that I can carry for the rest of the day. Tomorrow though, I have to begin again.
